


Painkiller

by sidetone



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Land of Light and Rain, Underage Drinking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Yellow Yard (Homestuck)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:21:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23016943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sidetone/pseuds/sidetone
Summary: John's 15th birthday went horribly, and after a year of being on the ship with nothing to do, he's bored out of his mind- not to mention not knowing how to cope now that there's no narrative to direct and distract him.Then he remembers how Rose mentioned how much alcohol her mom had, and how he has access to LOLAR.
Relationships: John Egbert & Jade Harley
Comments: 3
Kudos: 23





	Painkiller

**Author's Note:**

> this is extremely self indulgent and based on my take how john deals w his emotions so. enjoy!

John felt like he was going to go absolutely crazy on this god forsaken boat. It was shortly after his fifteenth birthday, which had quite frankly been a disaster, and everything about this horrible ‘road trip’ was driving him up a wall. Davesprite was an asshole, the mood was weird ever since the aforementioned sprite broke up with Jade, he hardly felt like he could talk to either of them, and one could only talk to their dead grandma’s harlequin ghost so many times before they’d start feeling like a complete loser. He had nothing to do and too much time to think. 

Before now, he’d always had something to do. There was always some villain to be fought or some quest to be completed or someone to be saved, but now… On this boat, the narrative seemed to have abandoned him completely. There was no direction, no distractions, just 3 years of sitting around waiting for something to happen. Even when his dad died he didn’t have any time to think about it- Jack Noir was right there, and he had to set his grief aside and fight. He never really got around to unpacking that grief once he’d pushed it aside. He just had to move on. He just had to go with whatever the narrative wanted him to do. 

It was easy to ignore those feelings when you’re busy with ‘protagonist duties’, out trying to be a hero, but when you’re just sitting around with nothing but time? Not so much. He tried his best not to think about it, those emotions were something he’d never really wanted to deal with, but he could still feel them like darkness at the edges of his vision, even if he didn’t acknowledge it. 

He was totally fine, he told himself. There wasn’t anything deeper behind his freakout on his birthday, he was just mad at Davesprite. That was all there was to it.

He sighed as he shuffled around the golden ship, the boredom gnawing at his mind as he tried his best not to lose it. Was there nothing to do around here that he hadn’t already burnt himself out on? His eyes fell on the shrunken planets as he entered the room where they were kept, a heavy breath escaping him as the still stinging memories of his birthday came back to him. God, what a nightmare. He seriously didn’t want to hang out on LOWAS for a while after that. Being in that house made him miss his dad a little too much, anyways. 

He stepped closer as he observed the other planets with bleary eyes. Dave’s planet, LOHAC, honestly just sounded unpleasant. Unbearably hot, covered in lava, populated by crocodiles, not to mention the stock market or whatever it was Dave was going on about back then- Yeah, no, he wasn’t visiting that one. Jade’s LOFAF was unpleasant in the completely opposite way- as if he was about to go out into the cold in this outfit! Finally, there was the last one, where he’d actually spent a bit of time before: LOLAR, where Rose used to reside.

It was really a beautiful planet, technicolor hues and bright swirling rainclouds floating above the surface. It might be fun to visit for a bit, he supposed, but what was he going to do there…? He was about to just ditch the idea entirely and continue his bored pacing around the ship when he remembered something Rose had mentioned quite a few times- The absurd amount of alcohol her mother kept in the house. She always mentioned her mother being ‘sauced’ or always carrying around some kind of alcoholic beverage- 

It must still be there, right? Unless the consorts stole them or something, there was no reason the alcohol collection wouldn’t still be there. Could alcohol expire? The thought briefly crossed his mind, but it was quickly forgotten in the excitement of finally thinking of something new to do. Alcohol had never interested him before, but he would do anything if it meant, well… Actually doing something. If it meant he would have a distraction.

As soon as he found Jade he asked her to shrink him down to LOLAR, making up some bullshit about nostalgia and chilling with the turtles, and before he knew it he was standing in front of the former Lalonde residence. It felt like an invasion of privacy, entering her house without her knowledge, but it wasn’t like she lived here anymore. Nobody did. It was an abandoned house, even if it didn’t look like it. 

It didn’t take long for John to find his way inside, laughing a bit to himself at all the wizards hanging around. And he thought his dad was weird with the harlequins! His laugh trailed off at the thought, remembering briefly how he’d seen both of the parents die, but he quickly pushed that to the back of his mind again. He didn’t need to think about that. There were a lot of little oddities that he stopped to giggle at- the bronzed vacuum, the pack of W’s on the fridge, the drawing of Rose’s cat… It really was entertaining. 

He eventually found himself in what he thought would’ve been her mom’s room, but it seemed more like a personal bar than anything. Some of the alcohol was spilled, and the scorch marks told him that the fire outside Rose’s house when they first started playing had gotten in here, but all was not lost- There was still plenty of alcohol that had gone untouched. Sweet.

He popped open the first bottle he got his hands on, not bothering to pour himself a glass as he took a sip- “Bluh!!” Fuck, that was nasty! It felt more like drinking gasoline than anything… What the hell was this? He read the label this time- Oh. Vodka. That wasn’t meant to be drunk on its own, was it? He coughed a couple times, his face still scrunched up in disgust. Okay, so that one wasn’t any good… 

He went down the row of bottles, trying a little of each- Champagne, red wine, whiskey, tequila- but he didn’t like most of them at all. His throat burned a little with some of them, and he was starting to lose hope in finding an enjoyable alcoholic beverage that didn’t require him knowing how to make an actual drink, until he came across some white wine. It still wasn’t great, but it tasted kind of like juice, so it was something he could actually get down. Perfect! Still, it felt a little depressing to just be drinking in a partially burned room full of broken bottles, so he grabbed the first unbroken glass he could find and headed back outside, bottle in hand. 

He smiled a little as he felt the warm light on his skin again, finding his way to the beach. He set down a blanket he had grabbed from the living room, settling down on it and pouring himself a glass of wine. He let out a content sigh as he took a sip. This was nice, way better than sitting around on that stupid boat he was so sick of. He kicked off his shoes, feeling the warm white sand against his skin. For a while he was content to just sit and drink, watching the distant rainclouds continue to pour into the technicolor ocean, see the pink turtles hobble around and stare at him nervously, but as with everything he got bored with just sitting around. He was completely alone here, he could do whatever he wanted, so why was he just lying here?

Maybe it was the large amount of alcohol he’d consumed clouding his judgement, but he decided it was time to go for a swim. He didn’t have a swimsuit, but his Ghostbusters boxers would have to do. Who was around to see him, anyways? He doubted Jade would be coming to check on him anytime soon. He couldn’t help laughing a bit to himself as he stripped down and set his clothes and glasses aside, still feeling perfectly warm as he walked down to the water, letting the gentle waves wash over his feet. It felt so refreshing to splash around in the cool water, or just float there and stare at the sky. It had been so long since he’d gone swimming, or… 

… Damn, when was the last time he’d bathed? Or any of them had, for that matter? He didn’t think any of them smelled bad- Was it some kind of game mechanic thing? Did the game know they weren’t going to have any time for that? Usually this was the point where he’d decide he was thinking too hard about things that didn’t matter, but somehow he couldn’t get his thoughts to stop. They were out of his hands now. It was a little concerning how the alcohol seemed to loosen his control of his thoughts, but seeing as it wasn’t anything serious, he didn’t worry about it. Not yet. It was just… Strange, that was all.

Well, at least he was getting clean now, washing his hair and scrubbing any dirt off his body. It felt nice to be clean… But there was something that made his cloud-nine mood take a steep drop. The scar on his chest. He remembered that day vividly; his fourteenth birthday. Rose was surrounded by a dark aura and speaking in strange tongues, slaughtered capricians littering the palace floor as they made their way to where their parents were. He had really gotten his hopes up, like a fool… To think he’d really be reunited with his father on his birthday of all days. No, it seemed that his birthday only brang bad news: the end of the world, his father’s death, and while his fifteenth had been significantly less eventful, it certainly hadn’t been good.

Before his thirteenth, he could actually get excited for his birthday. He remembered being ecstatic as a little kid when his dad would make him all those cakes and buy him whatever it was he’d been asking for, whatever shitty movie poster or bad video game it was, he never questioned his taste or belittled him for it. He was just happy to be supportive. He didn’t realize it at the time, but even the harlequins he despised so much were all for him. His dad saw the scrawlings on his wall, invisible to John at the time, and thought he must like jesters and the sort. The insulting words on the walls, too… His dad really thought he wrote that about himself, didn’t he? And he never stopped trying to boost his self esteem, never stopped telling him how proud he was of him. 

He didn’t realize it at the time, but he really did have the best dad he could ever ask for. And he took it all for granted. He spent the last day he had with his dad outright avoiding him. He never even thanked him- How spoiled could he be? And now… 

John didn’t even realize he was crying until he felt something hug his leg, looking down to see one of the pink turtles looking up at him with wordless sympathy. He then realized there was more than just seawater running down his face. His lip trembled as he tried to keep it all in- It had been so long since he last cried that he didn’t know how to react, but he couldn’t stop it, his shoulders shaking as he started sobbing. 

Before he knew it, he was full on bawling, and more pastel turtles gently urged him to shore so he could sit down. It was weird, sitting and crying on the beach in your underwear, your only comfort being turtles, but he didn’t question it. He just needed to let it out for once, and he did, pulling his knees to his chest and crying into them as he felt more turtles settle around him sympathetically.

He didn’t know how long he cried for, it could’ve been minutes or hours, his sense of time completely lost, but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that heavy weight he’d been carrying since that day had gotten lighter. He felt his eyes getting heavy as his crying slowly settled into just sniffles, only having a second to lay down on the blanket before he passed out, exhausted. 

\-- 

Jade didn’t know how long John intended to stay on LOLAR, but after half the day had passed and she hadn’t heard from him at all, she decided to go check on him. She knew he was probably fine, but she couldn’t help worrying about her brother sometimes, especially since his recent irritability and outburst. Plus, he’d been acting a little strange when he’d asked her to shrink him down there… She wandered back to the planets, shrinking herself down to the sunny shores of Rose’s planet. 

“Joooohn?” She called, looking around for any sign of him. Where could he be…? It wasn’t long before she spotted some footprints in the bright white sand, tilting her head a bit curiously as she followed them down to the beach. “... John…?”

What she found was a strange sight, that was for sure- an unfinished bottle and glass of white wine, discarded godtier attire, a lot of sleeping pink turtles, and in the middle of all this… Her brother sound asleep on a blanket, eyes red from crying. She couldn’t tell what he should make of this whole situation- What in the world had happened here? Well, no matter, this was no place for him to be sleeping, especially when he was just in his underwear. Thank god he was mostly dry now… 

She shooed away the turtles closest to him gently, before grabbing his clothes and wrapping him up in the blanket, picking him up easily. He didn’t stir at all through any of these- Jeez, he could be such a deep sleeper sometimes… She couldn’t help but smile fondly at this, before she took them off the planet, carrying him back to his room on the ship. She carefully set him down on the bed they’d alchemized for him, tucking him in with a sigh. 

What in the world did he get himself into…? It wasn’t hard to tell he’d been crying, and judging by the alcohol, she would guess that he was drunk, too… What was going on with him lately? She couldn’t push away that knot of worry in her stomach at the thought that her brother might be starting to spiral, all because he’d decided to go with her instead of going on the meteor with everyone else… It really seemed like this ‘road trip’ was taking its toll on him, and she couldn’t help but feel a little guilty, even if she knew it wasn’t her fault. 

… She would just have to go with him next time he wanted to go to LOLAR.


End file.
